I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
