She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
