I'm gonna have a badass scar
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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