new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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