My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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