I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
