so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
