I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
