Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
