we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
