so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
