Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
