i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
