i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
