I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
