Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
