Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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