My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
