Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
