I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
