do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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