why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
