i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
