I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
