you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
