im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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