fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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