Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
