so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
