Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
