Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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