I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
a search helicopter?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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