just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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