People in love make me want to vomit
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
