just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
