After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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