so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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