you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
