You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
