Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
