What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
