Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
