Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's like iHOP with fire
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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