Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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