Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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