I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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