then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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