Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
