hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
be right there i have to get my cape
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
