I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
