she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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