What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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