the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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